This is the definitive compilation of the Rules for Table Tennis as delivered by the Table Tennis Gods, not the mere ITTF. See the rest of the thread for further commentary.
1. Wipe your damned sweat off the table.
2. No choing unless your are getting paid to win. Further, players under 1200 rating using Tenergy are not allowed any sort of celebration when their shots land on the table.
3. Rubbers are to be trimmed cleanly around the edge of your rackets.
4. You must apologize for nets and edges. A small gesture with your non-playing hand will suffice, but only after the point is over.
5. You must show up on time.
6. Harden the f^#k up. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
7. You are not allowed to put your name on the back of your shirt unless you are a professional player.
8. You are allowed to wear a shirt with a manufacturer logo (e.g. Donic or Butterfly) up to the age of 50, at which time this is no longer allowed.
9. Your socks should not go higher than mid-calf. You are required to actually wear socks and they cannot under any circumstances be black.
10. You must wear footwear designed for racket sports. Under no circumstances are basketball shoes allowed.
11. You may not use long pips or anti-spin on your backhand unless you have a demonstrated ability to hit a strong topspin loops with your forehand in live match play.
12. Recognize that no matter how you think you look like when playing in your mind's eye, in reality you are probably not that good.
13 You must be aware of the official documents of ITTF that govern our sport, over and above the Laws of Table Tennis. These include Technical Bulletins and the Handbook for Match Officials prior to posting about rules on any TT forum or social medium.
14 It never gets easier but you do get better. (Not really a rule, but a fact of life). See also Rule 6.
15 Keep accurate track of the damned score!
16. You are required to serve legally which is sometimes whatever an umpire decides is legal (which in turn may require invocation of Rule 6).
17 However you may not post threads on TT forums complaining about opponents who serve illegally.
18 You are not allowed to start comment threads on TT forums about rules changes that occurred more than ten years earlier.
19 Cellulose acetate balls may be used for Christmas decorations but should not be used in actual table tennis matches.
20 The correct number of blades to own is n + 1 where n is the number you own now. An exemption can be made for players in committed relationships, in which case the correct number is s-1, where s is the number of blades that causes your spouse or partner to leave you.
21 You are not allowed to do multiball drills on a court where the barriers are not adequate, or where the court is too small, to prevent your balls from disrupting adjacent courts.
22 If one of two players is consistently whacking their shots into the next court, the two players should trade sides in an attempt to minimize this.
23 You are not allowed retrieve your ball from the adjacent court while their point is still in progress.
24 You may not defend TTex on table tennis forums or social media, and similarly you are not allowed to mention Pickleball or in any way acknowledge its existence.
25. You must understand that the Chinese do not win because they cheat.
26. You may not engage in arguments on TT forums about the GOAT in which you advocate for any player who has not won a world championship in singles. Similarly you are not allowed to discuss players who played prior to 1960 without creating a special category for pre-sponge players in which case the only possible person in that category is Viktor Barna.
27. While it is allowed and perhaps even mandated to own an insane number of blades (see rule 20), it is not allowed to believe that the next one you buy will appreciably improve your level.
28. There is no alternative to Tenergy, even though other rubbers are very good indeed. Stop asking.
29 Intentionally losing so as to maintain your ability to play in rating events where you might win a trophy is an act that requires extreme introspection as to why you should continue to play.
30. All ranking systems are flawed in one way or another. All comments on this topic in table tennis forums must begin by acknowledging this fact.
31. TTNPP will not return your emails. Stop asking. Your stuff will arrive eventually.
32. Sockpuppetry on internet TT forums can be used as an automatic referral to see a mental health professional. Especially if you create an identity with a name like John Barron (look it up).
33. If you spend more than 60 US dollars on a table tennis rubber then you are not allowed to glue it to your blade with Tearmender or rubber cement.
34. Support your local table tennis club or it will cease to exist.
35. Only bring water onto a table tennis court with Gerflor or a similar material. You are especially not allowed to bring Starbucks coffee drinks onto such courts.
36. You are not allowed to play table tennis in a shirt without any sleeves. Exceptions are granted for Liu Shiwen and Bernadette Szocs (and on a case by case basis moving forward).
37. You are allowed to swear while playing as long as you avoid racist or homophobic tropes. If you do it in a foreign language you are bad ass.
38. Young kids are often under-rated and will beat you. You are required to live with it. (This primarily pertains to North America).
39. The young kids you used to destroy may someday be your coach. You are allowed to look at the bright side of this fact.
40. Practicing shadow strokes is weird. It is allowed but do it in private.
41. It is allowed to call our sport ping pong. But the simple word "pong" is preferred.
42. You are not allowed to join fan clubs of top players and be obnoxious in cheering them on at international events.
43. You are not allowed to use the word "control" to describe a blade or rubber unless you state exactly what it is you are controlling.
44. You are not allowed to subject your playing partners to crappy balls. Buy new ones when the old ones are no longer round or if the surface has lost all friction.
45. Compared to most sports, table tennis is incredibly inexpensive. Therefore while it is allowed and even normal to be annoyed by the price of a rubber and blades, you are not allowed to mention this in any TT forum except in a full review of a product, and only then in comparison to comparable products.
46. All practice sessions that have included at least 30 minutes of forehand looping must include an equivalent length of time practicing the short game and return of serve.
47. If you converse with your playing partner (or someone outside your court), you should be barely audible at the next table.
48. If you are the national champion in a rating event that is excellent but you are not really a national champion and you are not allowed to mention this victory as part of your signature on an internet forum. You are allowed to mention what blade you used in a signature.
49. Tournaments can have rating events (e.g. under 2100) and age events (e.g. over 50) but they should not have age-specific rating events.
50. The best win of your life is not your actual level.
51. Deep or contentious discussions of physics in threads on table tennis forums should probably be avoided. Exceptions can be made for players with doctorates in aerospace engineering who have playing levels of 2300 or greater.
52. Beyond a certain age you are not going to easily succeed in making large changes in your technique but you can make it more effective and you can learn to play smarter. If this describes you then you are not allowed to ask "how to hit a Chinese loop" on any TT forum or social media. You are allowed to ask a Chinese coach. You are not allowed to be offended if his response is "ah yes, but for you this will be very difficult".
53. All players must recognize that every type of rubber requires mastery of techniques and that acquiring such mastery takew a long time. So if a long pips player beats you they are not cheating. However, see rule 11. If somebody beats you who is in violation of rule 11, nevertheless you must accept full responsibility. You are not allowed to state or even imply indirectly that they are cheating; instead you should not even admit to it or ever mention it to anyone, except possibly to a Catholic priest in an act of confession.
54. If you sweat a lot you are required to bring several shirts with you and use all of them. See also rule 1.
55. Drinking beers with mates after playing table tennis is an enlightened form of existence.
56. That "national" version of a rubber you just got probably isn't.
57. You are not allowed to apply random household products on your table tennis equipment in an attempt to find a cheap way to boost. If you must boost, buy some booster. This includes boiling water!
58. You are not allowed to use the Seemiller grip unless you are American. Some would extend this to say that you should have grown up near Pittsburgh.
59. If your rubber looks old you must change it. If it is new but filthy you are required to clean it. You are not allowed to be a filth-wizard.
